Friendships

ArthurTalks — Post #3 6 minute read

Hey guys, I'm back. To kick off this post; it's going to be Greek themed. So I will introduce myself as Archimedes. A theme I'm going to build on is the idea of the train theory, people get on and people get off, and you don't get to choose who, or when.

What is the train theory?

Simple explanation is that you can think of life as a long train you get on that you sit through the whole way to get to your "destination" and what "destination" is up to you, it can be Valhalla, it can be retirement or it can be riding out time in your current job/ city living in. And like a train ride; you can get on with people, and there will be many people that get on along the way. But some leave early, some stay the whole way, some only get on towards the end. You get the idea.

In Greek mythology, they have the word called philia (φιλία), this was friendships which categorised in 3 tiers as:

• Friendships of Utility — someone that is useful and or traditionally had trade with
• Friendships of Pleasure — a friendship built on shared enjoyment
• Friendships of Virtue (Complete) — the Greeks classed this as teleia (τελεία), which translates to "complete"

Where friendships of utility, you give me your apples, I give you oranges. Now we are friends. In modern context this is prevalent in the workplace. When the utility ends, e.g. you leave the company or you move away the friendship usually fades. That was their stop on the train. In my experience is friends you may have worked with, you helped me so I help you.

Where friendships of pleasure, we play football together, or have a couple of drinks together, thus we share a form of pleasure together. In my experience, it could be you've went to a gig together, or you go to the pub together by choice.

Though this has been a theme thousands of years ago, it's still relevant nowadays. In a modern context this can in theory have maybe 5 tiers:

1. Friendship of Proximity
2. Friendship of Utility
3. Friendship of Pleasure
4. Friendship of History
5. Friendship of Virtue

Though these levels can be arranged and ordered differently based on your preferences.

In my experience, a complete friendship is crafted from years of where you meet someone and they have a combination of at least 3 of the tiers from 1 to 4. It's almost as if in the train theory someone may have got off a stop, but eventually they get back on.

Where friendships of proximity, can be e.g. a colleague at the next desk, or your neighbour where they are not strictly useful or have much activity with but they are there with you at that point in time. This can be in the train theory someone sat next to you in the carriage where you strike a conversation with for a few stops.

Utility → Proximity, in order to be useful to someone you need to know them, this naturally comes via proximity, first sign that a relationship is more than just the shared space.

Pleasure comes 3rd every time for me, as pleasure is usually the turning point, a colleague at a desk who you end up having dinner with, it's a different setting that you might encounter each other. It's the similar to the idea of how we find it noticeable that we might see a friend who's usually a huge goofball meet you wearing a full suit, its seeing them in a setting that is 'unusual' as its never happened before. Even grabbing a coffee/ drink with someone is a pivotal point.

Where friendships of history, can be someone you knew since you were in high school, or before you moved countries, your old flat mates and though you may not meet much they knew you before you became your current self, that is where you have shared memories of history with them, they remember versions of you no one else does, they hold parts of your story you'd otherwise lose. This comes naturally with time. Having memories of destroying silly nights playing FIFA with the boys.

This can be the lads that you created Dad lore with.

Where friendships of virtue, its two people who admire each other's character and want the good for one another, not expecting anything in return. Answering a friend's phone call when you are in trouble. This level can be where one might have at least both utility and pleasure. In my experience this can be a friend that you've seen in many settings, this can include a pivotal moment of seeing someone at the airport, travelling with, them meeting your partner/ family where "worlds have collided", and it happens over and over again.

In the context of train theory, the stations are the phases of your life: school, university, your first job, the city you moved to, the company you joined, the neighbourhood where you live. Friendships of history can be crafted through years where you might be different now, where through each station that passes you got more accustomed to the journey.

Aristotle's eudaimonia — the flourishing life

Aristotle's whole framework only makes sense once you see this. He wasn't ranking friendships for fun. He was answering the question: what kind of friendships does a flourishing life require? And his answer was that you need at least some complete friendships to flourish, because flourishing is a thing you do with people who see you fully.

And he didn't think any kind of friendship would do. Utility friendships make life easier. Pleasure friendships make it warmer. Proximity friendships make daily life less lonely. History friendships give you a sense of continuity. All of these are real goods. But Aristotle thought you needed at least some complete friendships to truly flourish.

His most beautiful claim about it: a complete friend, he said, is "another self" — allos autos (ἄλλος αὐτός). Not a copy of you. Not someone identical. But someone whose life has become woven into yours so tightly that you can't fully separate them anymore. Their good news is your good news. Their absence would change the shape of you. This typically is formed after history, though its common its from years it can be formed even within months of a combination of all 5 tiers. This is where you get the phenomenon of feeling like you've known them for years.

This blog is just a thought experiment to enjoy each day as it comes, as you usually don't know which station is someone's last. You don't get to know which goodbye is the last one. Most aren't even goodbyes — just people quietly getting off while you're looking out the window.

So even though you enjoy the ride and beauty that comes with it, check on your friends before they leave and it's too late.

Nothing else from me, cheers all